colorado

Okay, let’s start–kids are getting ready for camp, two leave next Wednesday, the other a week from Sunday. Movers arrive on the 17th. Change is coming. Change alone is overwhelming, under the best of circumstances, but change in the midst of grief also feels like another layer of loss is being added to the already complex aftermath of my father’s suicide. More goodbyes, my people, friends, community, support systems–just as I begin to get my sea legs back–wobbly & unsteady as they may be, the ground shifts and it feels at times like my knees might buckle. So I try and listen to what my body is telling me-and I honor my needs. I am blessed that my husband, partner and best friend is so willing to shoulder far more than his fair share of this transition, camp preparation and the million and one logistical pieces that need to be put into place… Goodbyes are hard, they feel even harder right now. The future is filled with excitement, yes I am happy and pleased that we’ve chosen this new adventure–but we didn’t know that the journey would be one that happened in the midst of grieving and healing. So I deep breath it, I small picture it, I talk about it, I write about it, I cry about it and I do my best to walk through it, baby step by baby step.

Change is coming. A leap of faith… it’s not easy to jump right now. I simply have to believe that there will be people to catch me on the other end–as I let go of the many hands that have held me up through this grief. Change is coming-it is full of promise… this I know. But it hurts to say goodbye–and as I throw myself into the great unknown, I carry with me the broken pieces… this I also know. But healing can happen anywhere, if we are surrounded by love….

The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.
― C. JoyBell C.

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