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You know how it is. Sometimes you’re driving along in your car and a song comes on the radio that touches on something deep within. And before you know it; your vision is blurred as you drive through your tears.

One year has passed since my father’s suicide. More than 365 days since the call that changed my life forever. The ground shifted beneath my feet the moment the words were spoken. And I’ve not known what it feels like to be on solid ground since.

How do you love someone through a loss like mine? It is fraught with so many layers, pitfalls and obstacles. You can’t walk this path for me. You can’t drag me along at a pace that you believe will hasten my healing. But you can accompany me.

The song by X Ambassadors is called “Unsteady.”  Today was the first time that I’ve heard it. The chorus is simple, yet deeply profound.

Hold on, hold onto me

‘Cause I’m a little unsteady

A little unsteady

And that is all I ask.   In time, I will find my footing. I will learn to carry this altered sense of self with strides that are more certain & strong.  I will wear my status as “survivor” with a greater depth of purpose but a lessened degree of palpable pain.

I’m learning. It is still new. And I am hurting, even as I am healing.

The song says:

If you love me, don’t let go

If you love me, don’t let go

Hold tight to my hand. Walk with me in loving silence. Open your heart and listen. Let me tell you my truth. I do not trust this ground quite yet, lest it shift once again just as I find my stance.  What was never supposed to happen, did.  My faith provides no clear compass through this new terrain; like the GPS when I make a wrong turn, it is constantly recalculating.

So how do you love me through this loss, this unfamiliar terrain of suicide loss?

The song says it all…

Hold on, hold onto me

Cause I’m a little unsteady

X Ambassadors Unsteady

This post was also published on The Mighty

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