Dear Facebook,
I know it is coming. On April 20th, you will remind me of what I posted “One Year Ago Today.” But I need no reminder. I have been learning to live with and accept this truth every day since I wrote it.
These are the posts that announced my father’s death…
My Father’s Death (written 4/20/15)
Early this morning, my father lost his battle with mental illness. My heart is broken. May his memory be for an eternal & abiding blessing… and may he know how grateful I was for the gifts of reconciliation & healing–I got these last few years with my father, and that is a gift I will forever be grateful for. I will miss him more than words can say… I only wish I could tell him how much he meant to me, one last time. To hear his voice, to say I love you–and if only I had another chance to remind him-that it would get better, to hang on to hope even if only by his fingertips–but instead, I travel with my family to New York, to say goodbye to a beloved father, father-in-law, grandfather, friend, brother and husband–and to return his soul to God. I love you daddy!
He is Gone (4/20/15)
My beloved father Lowell Jay Herman. I want just one more moment–one more hug-one more I love you–I want to wake up from this horrific nightmare and know that you are still here–that the despair you were feeling, the depression–did not truly take you from us–but I will not get that. My heart and soul ache with a sadness I cannot even put into words–Depression robbed our family of so many years–so many joyous moments yet to be, so many more opportunities to say I love you–and I feel as if I am stuck in quicksand–barely able to breathe, to think, to process. My father, my friend–how can it be that you are gone? I will cherish and miss this smile for the rest of my days. I only wish your last moments on this earth were not filled with so much pain–I love you daddy–always! I hope your soul is finally at peace…
Facebook, the memory that you share is a traumatic imprint that is forever a part of me. And in truth, I still stand in disbelief at times waiting for this nightmare to end. Because there are days I think to myself, “This can’t be true.” But it is. 365 days have passed. The pain is still sharp. But some healing has come. I miss him every day. I wish with all of my heart that love had been enough to save him. So thank you for the reminder, but my tears beat you to it. And I won’t try to stop them, I will simply let them flow.
April 20, 2015 the day my life was forever altered, the day I became a Survivor of Suicide Loss. One Year Ago I lost the first man that I ever loved. My father, my friend, oh how I wish I could rewrite the end of this story. Oh how I wish you could have stayed.
Deborah, I am thinking of you today and hoping you can find strength , this was written beautifully, love Ashley
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Thank you Ashley. The tears are abundant and the pain so raw, how can it be that a year has passed? How can it be that his story ended this way? Sigh…
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Thinking of all of you today. You are a strong loving family and you will get through this.
Many tears shed hearts broken in pieces but soon the pain and rawness will begin to ease and only wonderful memories will flood your hearts.
❤️
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Thank you Pat.
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Debra I know your father very well. Your mom and I were good friends. We lived in the same building. I just reconnected with you mom. I cant imagine what you are going through. Your father was a great man. Time heals! You will never forget him but keep the good memories alive in your mind.
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Going to plant some flowers in his memory today. Even while the tears flow…
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Dear Deborah , I have it marked on my calendar and I have a hard time grasping that it’s a year ago. I see your dads face and I miss hm So much What pain he must have been in and I too pray he’s at peace. I know how important recondition is and how important it is for you to have made peace with him. He loved you so much. Love Joan
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